A collection of Classic Jokes
Jokes compiled from the internet and forwarded mails .
Warning : May contain objectionable contents
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs.When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbour.Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to
drop that towel.’After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who
was that?”It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about
the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to
reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand
up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let
his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went
on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look
up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up,
you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to
be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care
in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in
Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love
of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say..
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also
sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and
rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’
sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’
replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second branch…
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he
began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Husband & Wife
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore,
Whatever the case is, I’m gone.P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your brother, Carl, and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!SignedYour EX-Wife************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Nothing has made my day more, than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.
Rich As Hell and Free!
This is a story of a 16 year old boy from New Hampshire who won the World’s shortest essay competition.He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his
Imagination and humor ….Here’s an example of absolute
Brilliance….Shortest Essay:An English university creative writing class was asked to write a Concise essay containing the following elements:1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) MysteryAndThe prize-winner wrote:
‘My God,’ said the Queen, ‘I’m pregnant. I wonder who the father is.’
Before & After Marriage
Before marriage…. .
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
Simply read from bottom to the top.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get Ten times of that the woman said, “That’s okay.”For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack!!”
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop here and continue feeling good…..
Male readers: Please scroll down
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Frustrations of a married man
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did … and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!”Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, “Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW.”
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.One day my girlfriend’s “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’ m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, the entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven.
They decide to play hide-n-seek.
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den.
He is supposed to count up to 100 and then start searching.
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
1, 2, 3……97, 98, 99…. ..100……. .
He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front.
Einstein says ” Newton ‘s out. Newton ‘s….out…..”
Newton denies and says I am not out.
He claims that he is not Newton.
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says “I am standing in a square of area 1 meter squared.
That makes me Newton per meter squared.
Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I’m Pascal,
Therefore Pascal is OUT……..”.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here ‘s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!
LAWYER & GRANDMA
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.He approached her and asked; “Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?”She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’re a big disappointment to me.You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.Yes, I know you.”The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He’s lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.One of them was your wife. Yes I know him.”The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: “If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, It seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is to let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman “Sorry, we have rules…”
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,”
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her smiled and told…
“Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re an Employee. . .”
Husband takes his wife to a disco.
There’s a guy on the dance floor really going crazy – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the whole works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: “You see that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!!!”
Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating”.
SLEEPING WITH WOMEN
One day a man asked God:- Is it wrong to sleep with other women after marriage?
God replied:- No
Man- so why do people say it is bad…
God- It is not bad But the problem is U Rascals don’t “Sleep”!!
NO SEX SINCE 1955
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not …
it’s only 2130 now.”
MARRIAGE AND WIFE FACTS
*STRICTLY FOR MEN ONLY*
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~By Lee Majors
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
~By Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
~By Mike Tyson
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
~By George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~By Bill Clinton
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.”
~By George W. Bush
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
~By Rudy Giuliani
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
~By Michael Jordan
“I’ve had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
~By Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
~By Shaquille O’Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
~By Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
~By David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~By Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
~By Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~By Tommy Lee
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
~By Brad Pitt
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy : “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
~ By Jimmy Kimmel
“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
~By David Letterman
“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring…soon after….comes SuffeRing!
~By Jay Leno
“The reason why wives live longer is because they don’t have a Wife”
~By Brandon Breezy